Let’s be honest. No one enjoys telling someone they’re not meeting expectations. Those in management might rather say, “Great job, take another day off!” than sit down to address performance issues.
As leaders, we have a responsibility to our employees and our organizations to ensure that expectations are clear, and that every team member has the opportunity to succeed.
The key is to approach these moments as coaching conversations rather than disciplinary actions. When we shift our perspective from punishment to empowerment, we open the door to growth for both the employee and the organization.
Take Yourself Out of It
One of the hardest parts of having a courageous conversation is separating your personal discomfort from the message itself. Remember:
- The employee isn’t failing you, they’re just not meeting the expectations of the company.
- Most people genuinely want to do good work but may not fully understand what’s expected.
- Your role as a leader is to clarify, guide, and redirect, not to judge.
By reframing the conversation as an opportunity to coach, you’re not attacking the person, but rather bringing their performance back on track.
Four Tools for Courageous Conversations
In a book titled, Zapp: The Lightning of Empowerment, authors describe four key tools for leaders who want to engage employees in meaningful, performance-shaping discussions. Here’s how you can apply them:
- Maintain self-esteem: Always separate the performance issue from the person. The employee is valuable, but the behavior just needs an adjustment.
- Example: “Karen, I appreciate your effort to keep the website updated. You do an excellent job ensuring clients have the right information. We do need to address the emails you send, though. It looks like the brand style isn’t being applied consistently.” This approach reinforces Karen’s value while making space to redirect the behavior.
- Listen and respond with empathy: Empathy is not sympathy. It’s about recognizing the employee’s feelings and showing that you hear them.
- Example: “I can see this is frustrating for you, and I want to understand your perspective.” Acknowledging emotions helps defuse defensiveness and invites collaboration. There’s nothing wrong with taking a few minutes to discuss the emotions of the moment.
- Ask for help and encourage involvement: Employees usually have the best ideas for fixing their own challenges. Encourage them to take ownership of the solution but be ready with a few suggestions to get the conversation moving.
- Example: “What steps might you take to ensure your emails reflect our brand style?” By writing down their ideas and validating their input, you empower them to drive change. If they don’t have any ideas, there’s no problem with nudging, “Could a signature template help?”
- Offer help without taking responsibility: This step is often the trickiest. Leaders naturally want to step in and “just do it.” Ultimately, performance improvement must come from the employee.
- Example: “Karen, you’ve agreed to set up a signature template and proof your emails before sending. Let’s reconnect in two weeks to check your progress.” Here, you’re offering accountability and support, without taking on the responsibility yourself.
It’s perfectly fine to walk into a conversation with notes or a loose script, but don’t let it sound rehearsed. Sincerity and engagement matter more than polished delivery. These conversations should feel like a two-way exchange, not a lecture.
When you commit to this coaching mindset, you’re not just addressing performance gaps, you’re building trust, encouraging growth, and positioning your employees for long-term success.
If conversations like this still make you nervous, remember you don’t have to practice alone. As part of our Help Desk Membership, HR Resolutions can role-play these scenarios with you. We’ll act as the “employee” so you can gain confidence before the real conversation takes place.
Having the courage to coach instead of criticizing is one of the greatest gifts you can give your employees, and one of the most powerful ways to lead!